The Dishes
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear
vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for
him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We
haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So
steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is
a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling,
and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING
DISHES!!"


Daily Briefing:
John Smith was locking up his martial arts academy, still in his robe and black belt. A mugger approached him from behind, pulled a knife and
demanded money. The mugger is reported in serious, but improving condition in the local hospital.

Dying Words:
Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the
side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?" The man nodded to the affirmative, and the
preist handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just
outside." Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands.
Then, moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.
"Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read:
"GET OFF MY FUCKING OXYGEN HOSE!!"

** Sexy Sweatshirts
One day, this lady goes to the gynecologist for a routine examination. She proceeds to take off her shirt for the exam, only to reveal this big
letter 'O' branded into her skin on her chest. The doctor stares in disbelief and asks...

"Pardon me madame, but where in the world did you get that 'O' on your chest?"

The lady replies...

"Oh that...well my boyfriend has this nasty old Ohio State sweatshirt that he likes to wear, everytime we make love. The other day we were
fooling around and the sex was so hot, the 'O' just melted off and branded my chest."

The doctor shook his head in awe and continued the examination.

A week later, another patient of his showed up for her annual examination. When she took off her shirt, the doctor sees this big letter 'K'
branded into her skin. Again, the doctor was amazed and asked:

"My goodness, where did you get that 'K'?"

The lady responded:

"Well you see doctor, my husband is a big Kentucky basketball fan who insists on wearing his favorite 'good luck' UK T-shirt when we have sex.
Last night we were making love and boy...did we get into it. It was incredibly hot and the 'K' just melted right off his shirt and branded my
skin."

The doctor was thoroughly amazed and continued to examine her.

Another week went by and a new patient shows up for her exmination. She takes off her shirt and to the doctor's surprise, he sees this huge
letter 'M' branded on her chest. Well , the doctor, remembering the last two patients exhibiting similar conditions, asks this patient:

"Let me take a guess. Your fiance went to the University of Michigan and he wore a UM sweatshirt the last time you two had sex and it was so
HOT, the 'M' just burned right off and branded your chest."

The woman gave the doctor a puzzled look and said:

"Why NO doctor...but my girlfriend went to the University of Wisconsin."


Things to do when you are bored:
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See howmany you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school asif nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from highplaces.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic"and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly"and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule"and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.

Bonus: Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.